Practices for Untangling from Difficult Situations
This week reminded us again that some things are just out of our control. My nephew lamented on Facebook, “Patience is a virtue…that I don’t have right now”. Here are practices we can take up to “untangle” ourselves while we are waiting. We don’t have to just endure - whether its election outcomes or vaccines, or (closer to work or home) dealing with difficult relationships, health issues, or missing our normal.
The following “untangling” practices were offered by Donald Rothberg, one of the teachers at the Spirit Rock meditation class I attend by Zoom on Wednesday mornings. While we endure, we can also cultivate skill with our own states of being – mental, emotional, and physical. To Donald’s list I’ve added a few thoughts.
Mindfulness Practice
Mindfulness is the starting point for a skillful response. Mindfulness meditation first grounds us – typically by counting our breath. Once we are grounded (although some days we don’t get past this part of the practice!) mindfulness helps us see what is happening more clearly. We ask, where does the mind go? What is the primary thing that rises? Name it. Thoughts are typically fleeting. Feelings often last longer and are worth investigating. In my own practice, I’ve noticed discomfort around not having things “nailed down”. I enjoy novel situations, but they can start an anxious chain of looping as my brain tries to work through the specifics.
Physical Practices
Body work in practices such as yoga, qigong, or tai chi move energy and focus us. Exercise works as a natural stress reducer, releasing feel-good endorphins. Run, dance, hike, whatever you like. Just get up and move.
Heart Practices
Heart practices help us work through difficult emotions. Music is a powerful medium for influencing emotion. Music instills new states within us. We can also use music to send out emotions to others. Art of any kind can be a heart practice. Kurt Vonnegut said, “The arts … are a very human way of making life more bearable. Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven’s sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly can. You will get enormous reward.” Other heart practices include being in nature, and meditating on compassion, joy, and gratitude.
Empathy Practices
Tangled situations often involve other people. Cultivating empathy is a way through. To be empathic, you don’t have to agree or even accept other peoples’ views or actions. Empathy is simply an acknowledgement that the other is a human being worthy of our respect. Empathy practices include respectful listening and trying to tune into other people’s emotions. Gain even a spark of understanding about what is meaningful to them, their deep values. Donald, who has worked extensively in non-violent communications, told a story about sitting in the cafeteria at Los Alamos, listening to people who worked on nuclear weapons. He found that these scientists and engineers held the deep value of security. Donald shared that deep value, even though he disagreed with their strategy for trying to realize it.
Examining Our Own Views (especially our strong views)
This one of the toughest practices. We don’t need to necessarily give up our strong views. However, we need to weaken our clinging to them. The clinging is a major source of our suffering. These steps help:
Gain clarity on what your views are
Admit that you don’t have all the information
Use your reactions to strong views as a launch point for examination vs. going to war
Be open to discussion with those who disagree. When talking with those you disagree with, ask what can I learn from this person? Let that inquiry be a starting point for awareness
Continue Both Inner and Outer Work (Activism)
Donald counseled that outer work, or activism, should not be undertaken without also doing inner work. Acting without skillfulness usually has bad results. But also ask, is this the right time for outer work? Some people may feel guilty about not doing more. Respect your own cycles. Maybe right now it’s okay just to ground yourself. When it’s time, you will feel called to contribute through activism. Mix it up. Taking some action, no matter how small, does help.
Connect to Things that Connect You to the Long Haul
Ruth Bader Ginsberg reminded us that, “Real change, enduring change, happens one step at a time.” Everything goes through cycles of ups and downs. Rather than trying to gut things out alone, connect with traditions, groups, books, or films that help supply you with the energy and momentum for the slog. You want to be inspired by the patience, compassion, courage, wisdom, skillfulness and equanimity of others. Donald talked about the importance of the Highlander Center in Tennessee to 20th century civil rights leaders. Rosa Parks practiced how to be effective at civil disobedience here. I’m active with the American Association of University Women (AAUW), a group dedicated to equity for women and girls. This group, founded in 1881, helps me remember that meaningful social change is made in (multiple) generational time.
Connect to Community
It’s useful to connect with others who are on the path with you. Also spend time with friends and family. Don’t just stew in the tangle. Participate in social activities. It’s okay to have fun even when times are rough.
Tune into Your Own Next Step
Set an intention to listen to what feels right as your own personal next step. It may take a while for the answer to arrive. If you participate in the activities above, your answer will emerge. It might be small and simple. Maybe it’s just posting music or puppies on Facebook to make the world feel better. Keep listening for the next step and the next. Marian Wright Edelman said, “We must not, in trying to think about how we can make the big difference, ignore the small daily differences we can make which, over time, add up to the big differences we often cannot foresee."